


I am nothing

by mee4ever



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boggarts, Draco's boggart, M/M, POV Harry Potter, Self-Harm, i don't even know what to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-04 01:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5314493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mee4ever/pseuds/mee4ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the last things Harry had expected to see when he followed Malfoy on a gloomy night through the castle, was himself. </p><p>Or the one where Draco seeks out a Boggart and Harry follows him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am nothing

**Author's Note:**

> [Lovi](http://evilqueenofslytherin.tumblr.com/) started this by saying: "Draco's boggart being Harry" and then we just exploded ideas from that. This is the end result after all of our ideas was put into a fic.  
>  I highly appreciate feedback and you are also more than welcome to point out spelling or grammatical errors since English isn't my first language.

One of the last things Harry had expected to see when he followed Malfoy on a gloomy night through the castle, was himself. He’d imagined Draco meeting up with Death Eaters, making some sort of poisonous potion or maybe even sneaked around with someone, like in a sexual way. But he could’ve never imagined seeing himself turning up in the abandon room they’d walked into. 

Harry had been on a nightly walk. Did that now and then, more often now when he had real troubles sleeping. He knew that was one of his more stupid ideas, but it seemed like this time, it hadn’t been for the worst. Draco had hurried past him, not seeing him because of his Invisibility Cloak, and entered classroom Eleven on the ground floor. The room was not regularly used and was rather big, propped up with cleaning gear and piles of old books. When you entered, there were a maze. Harry had followed Draco as closely as he’d dared and sneaked in behind him as Malfoy stepped in and proceeded to carefully close the door again. The blonde boy had whirled past him again, almost brushing against Harry who pressed his body to the wall. Not been able to breathe. Surprisingly, Draco stopped dead in his tracks when he got to the middle of the class room. Waiting. Stared at the open door frame in front of him, in the far right corner of the room. Harry managed to get himself a couple of feet forward, still lurking behind Malfoy but close enough to see his shallow breathing and the hairs of the back of his neck rising. It wasn’t till he heard footsteps that he understood Malfoy wasn’t waiting for something to happen, he was waiting for _someone_. 

And it was Harry. They say you wouldn’t recognize yourself if you met a clone of you on the street, but when Harry could see his own scar, his own round glasses, his own messy hair… There was just no way it was someone else. In the doorway, in front of himself and Draco, stood Harry Potter. Harry thought he looked… different though. The other Harry had only taken a step forward, into the light shining in from the window on the opposite wall. Memories from the experience with Tom Riddle from his second year bubbled up, but this wasn’t like that. He didn’t have a diary, he hadn’t put his soul into something, he wasn’t supposed to be there. And he definitely wasn’t supposed to have been there twice.

“Malfoy,” the other Harry said. It sounded ill intent. Slow and dehumanized and bold. Menacing. 

“Potter,” Malfoy said and his voice wobbled. Real Harry stared at him. Even went to the effort in moving himself a bit more forward to see Draco’s face better. He looked terrified. Harry furrowed his brow. Draco Malfoy never showed fear. Admittedly, he wasn’t aware that he showed Harry, real Harry at least, any of the frightment that painted his face at the moment, but there was something in the way Draco’s features just crumpled just by the short exchange of words. 

Harry was bewildered. 

“You’re not over this silly little charade yet, Malfoy?” Harry in front of Draco asked and Draco shook his head. It sounded like this was some sort of regular thing that happened. That didn’t make any sense, why would Malfoy go and meet a fake version of Harry? If this was a fake version, he wasn’t sure what was happening. So he just kept still and quiet, watched as the two boys interacted. 

“Your little crush is pathetic, beginning to get on my nerves,” not-so-real-Harry stated, looking at his fingernails. _What_? Very-real-Harry thought. 

“I am not in love with you,” Draco responded weakly, shutting his eyes and repeating the words over and over. If Harry hadn’t understood what the hell was going on before, this situation was starting to become even less understandable. Draco had started shuttering. Visibly shaking, his legs and arms and his fingers twitched. His face was all scrunched up and he looked like he could start crying at any given moment. The whole scenario made Harry freeze. This had started to become more than Harry knew how to handle. The other Harry had moved a couple of lazy paces forward, still not looking at Malfoy. 

“I know you want me. And I could tell everyone, they’d believe me.” He cracked a disgusting smile. Then he studied Malfoy from top to bottom, like he was a steak he evaluated whether or not to buy. 

“You know, with your pretty face, if you woudn’t have been such a pussy, _maybe_ you could’ve had me.” The statement makes Harry almost loose his balance and scramble to the ground. Because it’s almost true. It’s true enough that it makes him want to vomit, it makes him sick that he thinks along the lines of this impersonation of himself that is nothing of what his real self is. The person in front of him is mean, it’s condescending, it’s thriving on making Malfoy squirm under its words. Then again, Harry usually took pride in the few times he’d gotten Draco to do so. Thought he’d won the battle somehow. It didn’t make him feel any less nauseas. The fact that he did think Draco had a pretty face was a bit too real. The fact that Draco could’ve had him if he wasn’t such a prick… wasn’t unimaginable. Two negatives, made a positive, right? It took him several seconds to recover. 

When he regained his senses and his body, he saw that the sentence literally had made Draco drop to his knees. Pressed his palms to the floor, facing it too and desperately shaking his head. 

“Maybe that would’ve meant your father would have wanted you too. If you were less of a coward. But,” fake-Harry laughed at that. “But that’s not the case now, is it? Never will be. Nobody wants you. Nobody ever will.”

Tears had started falling from Draco’s eyes. They ran over his nose and dripped down to the floor. Harry was shocked and stunned. 

“You’re nothing to me. You’re nothing. Say it.”

“I’m nothing,” Draco whispered. 

“Stop it! Stop this!” Harry exclaimed. He’d thrown the invisibility cloak off himself and stepped up to Draco’s side, wand raised. Somehow the inclusion of Malfoy in the conversation tipped Harry over the edge of what he thought was disturbed and flat out evil. Malfoy stared at him from the floor, fake-Harry looked at him bemused. Then he disappeared. Well, not completely, because one second he was there and the other second Hermione was there instead. Couching blood.

“This is all your fault,” she whispered as her eyes lost all their shine and she slumped down on the floor. And beside her lay Ron, breathing heavily and starting to scream. 

“You killed us!” The realisation hit Harry like a Bludger in the gut. This was not real. This was not real, this was just a thing he was scared of. Ron and Hermione, his best friends dying and it was all his doing. He was the only one to blame. This was what he was _the most afraid of_. He thought very hard on his friends pretending to be dogs. 

“Ridiculous!” He shouted, pointing his wand towards the two human shapes on the floor and watched as the blood disappeared and the bodies started rolling over. Hermione peaked her tonge out and barked. Ron scratched his ear with one of his feet. He made himself laugh at the sight even though he couldn’t really find it amusing and Hermione and Ron ran away on all fours, howling like puppies, soon disappeared into the darkness.

Harry stood breathless for a second. He didn't know what to do now. Turn around, face Malfoy? Turn around, and run? There was too much going on for his brain to handle. Luckily for him, his body decided for him as he twisted around and stared down at Malfoy still on the floor. 

“I am nothing,” Draco repeated. 

“You're not nothing!” Harry said, falling down to the floor in front of him. 

“You're something, you're someone, you're Draco Malfoy, for Christ sake!” But Draco only swayed a little back and forth, whispering the words over and over. Harry had never seen this kind of self hatred before. He didn't know what to do, had no idea how to handle the situation and he couldn't bloody well leave now. There was so many things that was so very wrong with this situation, he couldn't even remember that he was supposed to be Malfoy’s mortal enemy number one. All he could see was a boy his own age, a boy he'd known for years, a boy he knew to be the least openly emotional when it wasn't doing him any good. He saw a boy who probably never was allowed to show emotion, he saw him crying. He saw desperate and broken and he wanted to fix everything somehow. _Nobody wants you._ Harry almost panicked. _Nobody ever will. Like bloody hell nobody ever will,_ he thought. 

He grabbed Draco’s collar, yanked their faces together and smashed his lips onto Draco’s. He tried not to think about the fact that this was the second person he ever kissed, and that it also was the second person who cried while he did so. He must be doing something terribly wrong. Draco confirmed this by scrambling backwards on the floor, looking terrified and hurt and Harry felt utterly shitty for just wanting to kiss him again. 

“You can't just _do_ that!” Draco gasped, voice going dangerously high. Harry tried apologising but nothing made it out of his mouth. There was too much going on again. 

It was a bit too late when Harry understood that Draco’s Boggart wasn't the things fake-him had said. It was _him, Harry _in himself. Him saying those things.__

“Why are you scared of _me_? Harry asked, trying to sound as serene and well meaning as he could. The blonde boy made a sound, almost like a snort. 

“You're Harry Potter,” Draco answered, voice hoarse and small and like that made every sense in the world. It didn't make things any more clear to Harry. At all. 

“What?” He asked but Malfoy only shook his head and started wiping his face. The aftermath of the Boggart’s energy draining started to ease, Harry felt it and could see it in the way Draco’s body wasn't shaking anymore. His eyes were still red and watery but he didn't shed any more tears. 

“Why are you here?” Draco asked, almost sounding like himself again. 

“Why are _you_ here?” 

“It’s mutually beneficial.” Harry’s chest tightened. Every piece of information suddenly came together, the puzzle literally laid itself in Harry’s mind. Draco not hesitating where to go. Waiting. Boggart-Harry asking if Draco wasn't over this yet. _You're nothing. I'm nothing._ Draco hadn't just met a monster. He'd sought it out. Wanting to meet it. Had probably met it several times in the past. The Boggart fed on Draco’s fear and Draco could fall down in misery and desperation for a reason. Harry had to wonder for how long this had been going on. 

“Why are you here?” Draco asked again. His voice sounded strong again, sharp and nearly sneering.

“I followed you,” Harry replied truthfully, “and I didn't understand what was going on until I... until it changed into… them.” The floor boards creaked underneath Draco as he moved. He'd started to gather himself up, standing just a few seconds later. Harry raised himself slowly, holding Draco's gaze. He stared at Harry, face composed and blank. 

“No,” Harry said, “please don't… do that.” His voice broke. Harry took a step forward, Draco one backwards. Draco clenched his jaw and looked away. 

“You can't tell me what to do, Potter.” That was a sneer. Harry wondered if this counted as Draco standing up to his fear, or just hiding from it. 

“I'm not, I'm asking you,” Harry said and took another step forward, “to please…” Draco didn't step backwards, only stared somewhere around Harry’s feet. Harry hesitated, but decided that it probably was okay to take another step. It was. He was now standing just a couple feet away. There wasn't a way he knew how to continue his previous sentence, so he changed approach. 

“I am not… _that_ ,” he said while flailing a hand in the direction the Boggart had gone. “I don't think those things.” 

“How much did you hear?” Draco’s expression not fully blank, but tinging on fear again. Harry cocked his head and the look Malfoy shot him was proof enough he understood that Harry had heard it all. 

“I don't-”

“You don't,” Harry put a hand on Draco’s upper arm and the gesture made Draco stiffen, “have to explain yourself.” Draco couldn't take his eyes off of Harry’s hand and Harry gently removed it. Draco looked at him then. Vulnerable. 

“May I…” His voice trailed off but Harry shrugged and shook his head both at once and hoped it conveyed his _yes, you can do whatever you want_ without having to say it. Draco looked uncertain still, but entered Harry’s personal space with ease and slowly, as if Harry might run away if he did something too fast, he put both his arms around Harry’s torso. Held on lightly. Harry realised that _this_ , this was Draco facing his fears. Head on, all or nothing and Harry slung his arms around Draco and pressed. Hugged him like there wasn't anything else he could do, because in that moment there wasn't. It lasted a life time, forever and a couple of hours more. Draco held him harder the longer the hug continued and soon it felt like they were both holding on like their life depended on it. 

“What are you doing, Potter?” Harry didn't notice what he was actually doing before Draco asked. He cried. Like a lot. Large tears that fell into Draco’s shoulder, already had made a big wet spot. He wanted to tell Draco something because this probably made no sense. 

“You're not nothing,” Harry said once more through a sob. He wanted to make sure Malfoy knew that. 

“Are you sure?” Draco asked quietly. Like Harry’s word would mean everything, like it was the only words that mattered. 

“I'm sure.” 

“I'm not nothing? I'm not worthless?” Draco asked, pulling away slightly to look Harry in the eye, seeking confirmation. Harry didn't want to be this person for Draco. He didn't want to be the bad guy, but he didn't want to be the good one either. There was so much wrong with that. So much that could go wrong, so much Harry could do wrong. But he couldn't make himself leave. Had to answer. He buried his face in Draco’s neck, held on tighter and said:

“You're worth a lot, Draco. You're someone, you're **you** and you're not worthless.” 

“ _I'm not nothing_ ,” Draco whispered. 

**Author's Note:**

> Podfic will be available.
> 
> Like my stuff? [Buy me a coffee!](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/mee4ever)


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